I Care For You

Over these years, I encountered metric tons of hardships. Hardships in achieving a dream, and sometimes trying not to give it up. Hardships in winning friends, and sometimes in letting them go. Hardships in trying to break out from my shy and quiet personality, and sometimes in keeping myself too close from another person's fire. Hardships in trying to build my relationship with my loved ones, and sometimes in not breaking them. Hardships in fighting for my faith, and sometimes in hoping not to lose it. Hardships in trying to live, and sometimes in trying not to feel dead.

I went through many trials that thoroughly tested my character. Failed a lot of them. Once. Twice. Sometimes thrice. Sometimes more. Failed some back then. Still failing some even up to now. 

I find myself wanting. I find myself lacking. I find myself flawed. For someone dreaming a dream for his entire life, that was more than bad. That was grossly imperfect. Utterly undeserving. 

It’s hard to be in a situation where you have dilemma of giving up a dream or pursuing that dream that seems to be impossible to achieve. Frustratingly frustrating.

Being frustrated to something you cannot achieve usually ends up being sad and depressed. No one understands. People will judge you. They usually associated sadness and depression with being ‘maarte’. But they have no idea how many thoughts are running in a sad and depressed person’s mind. They have no idea of his struggle, how he tries hard. 

Please, people, know that sad person is sad person. Do not tell them that they are ‘maarte’ because it will hurt them more. Imagine you have a really bad headache and it feels that your skull is being cut into pieces. Then you tell someone about it and they say, ‘ang arte mo naman’, your feelings will be hurt, right? The same thing when somebody is frustrated in something and they feel really really sad, then they tell you about their feelings and you responded with ‘ang arte mo naman’, it hurts too, or maybe it is even more hurting because that frustration is enveloped with emotions. They need understanding and comfort, they need encouragement. Please understand their struggle and sufferings; if you cannot, at least, try to not say anything that might hurt that person more.

The next time I feel sad, I promise to be careful of whom should I tell my feelings with. I hate being judged, I hate the feeling of being alone, I hate to feel sadder. But I wish I could find a friend whom I can share everything in my mind without being judged, a friend who can understand my feelings because they once been there or they are currently experiencing it too. There is nothing happier than finding someone whom you can tell everything and hear them say, “Naiintindihan kita”.